Contador doesn't believe in cycling Grand Slam

Last week I mentioned that Bjarne Riis, having secured Tour de France winner Alberto Contador's bicycle riding services for next year, announced that his new employee would endeavor to win the Giro d'Italia, the Tour de France, and the Vuelta a Espana--all in the same year. This feat is called a "Grand Slam," and nobody has ever accomplished it. So far, the Grand Slam exists only in theory, like dark matter in physics or Oprah Winfrey's boyfriend Stedman Graham.

In fact, it turns out Contador himself doesn't even believe in the Grand Slam that he's supposed to win, and his brother and manager Fran Contador says there are actually no such plans. Indeed, he says that the Grand Slam is "impossible," and that Riis's comments were the result of a "translation error." This is what comes of conducting contract negotiations at Denny's, home of the Grand Slam breakfast special.

In any case, this "translation error" conveniently went uncorrected long enough for Riis to secure a new sponsor in SunGuard, and presumably Fran Contador was tactful enough to wait until the ink was dry to point it out. In this sense, the "translation error" opens up bold new excuse possibilities in professional cycling, a sport in which riders drop out of races due to "asthma" and "stomach viruses" like bulimics pardoning themselves from the table in order to "freshen up." Expect the "translation error" to be the hot new excuse for 2011.

A considerably less formidable (though still difficult) feat is simply completing three Grand Tours in a single year. Carlos Sastre may do just that for the second time in his career if he decides to ride the Vuelta this year, to which his team has received a wildcard invitation. Team Sky have also received a wildcard invitation, and after a disappointing Tour de France in which Bradley Wiggins finished 24th they are reinventing themselves as a bunch of scrappy stagehunters featuring Simon Gerrans and Juan Antonio Flecha. Meanwhile, Team RadioShack was snubbed by Vuelta organizer Unipublic and didn't get an invitation at all. This rendered director Johan Bruyneel, "speechless," after which he launched into a lengthy speech about why Unipublic is stupid and wrong.

For their part, Bruyneel said Unipublic believed "other teams offered him better options on a sporting level." At least they didn't invoke the "translation error" excuse.